My heart is so full.....

My heart is so full I can barely contain it and I seem to have an even harder time putting things into words. I feel incredibly alive. The world is somehow a new place with new dimensions. I have been thru phases like this before just as the Lord was about to open up something new for me. Each transition produces something deeper and more vast than the previous. I know I have only been half alive for the last 2 years or more...slogging my way thru the mire, seeing only a glimpse of what was to come and having to resign myself to that being enough for then. Like seeing thru a peek hole in a solid wall occasionally just to keep a flicker of hope alive for the rest of the journey.

A few months ago the Lord just made is painfully clear that I needed to embrace my life just as it was, pain, sickness, dissapointment, and all. It was such a relief to finally do so. To be able to say "Ok Lord, whatever you have for me along this road I am ok with it..it is all fine because you are in it." Surrender is so multifaceted isn't it....just when you think you have accomplished it He exposes another aspect of it.I know I am on the brink of something new, a freedom that I can only get a small taste of as yet, but I know the meal is about to be served. And if I know my Father at all, it will be served in several courses.

Let's get practical here for a second. I tend to forever be the philosopher stating what seems so obvious to me in terms that others find vague and untangable. And I can't figure out what their problem is...lol. Guess that is why I need my 'teacher' friend to bring things into the practical realm so OTHERS can get it too. I hear a concept and say, "Ok, I get it, let's go for it." I think I learn more from the process and in the "doing" the understanding comes much more fully to me. She hears a concept and has a hundred questions about it and needs all the answers in order to proceed. We are all unique and complement each other in so many ways. What a boring world if we were all the same.

So after reading "The Journey" which has just been so much comfirmation of what we have been doing, I am just inspired to keep on. I have always connected best with Christian Mystics who seem to have a deeper understanding of living in the NOW in the presence of God. Brandon Bays speaks of Source being that place of deep and abiding love within each person. Finding your true self is about finding that place called Source and learning to live out of it. I think Brother Lawrence would call this living in God's Presence. Finding this place of love, joy, and peace that He is in us and surrendering to Him fully. That others who don't necessarily profess to be Christian are finding this just confirms even more so in my mind that He resides in all men and that at some point He will reveal Himself from where He is, right in the heart of mankind, and all the shackles of religion of all sorts will fall off mankind. It really matters not which religion you have embraced they all seem to bind people to self. The ultimate expression of God will be HIMSELF manifested in His people. The ultimate experience of God always comes from deep within ourselves not from some outward experience or practice. Oh, for the day when God will be all in all.

I have been realizing there is another layer of junk that needs to go to get to living out of the core, the God-center, that is in me. A few things have happened to open a door of understanding of what holds my body in this place of illness. The thing that is messing with my endocrine system and keeping it in bondage. So I asked "Lord, take me to the root of this?" and he showed me in my minds eye the inside of my thryoid gland. It was this pinkish mass but I saw distinctly a black spot on it about the size of a nickel. So I asked, "Lord, what is that?" and he identified it as fear. I know I am just frothing at the bit to go further with this and to walk thru the healing process as I can already see my body healed in my minds eye, can feel it coming, can taste its sweetness but I am not allowed to go there YET. This is not about my glory and my way. It is about doing things His way and for His glory. Ok, so I will wait til the right people and situation are here and wait for Him to proceed with this. I know He has already uncovered the first layer a while back when a bunch of us prayed and he showed me so clearly that there was a root of self-rejection that was generational. Breaking that off was what preceeded the experience that brought me that place of being able to embrace life just as it is, including the sickness and all that He has to teach me thru it.

There is a story Brandon Bays tells in her book of a man who came to her in order to find understanding about the cancerous tumor he had in his lung. He was not pursuing healing, what he sought was to understand what the tumor had to teach him. It is so clear from this book that whatever expresses itself in our bodies, our emotions, etc. are really just outward expressions of things deep within ourselves that need healing. Are we willing to learn what God is trying to teach us thru them? We have been so trained to put off negative emotions, to hide them in food, or drink, or some other addiction, perhaps even hiding them under scripture rather than experiencing their pain for a brief time in order to learn what it is they have to teach us. She speaks of learning to be fully present in our emotions rather than pushing them away or trying to cover them over, in order to heal from them. Allowing ourselves to discover what is under them, what is the root of their presence (usually a memory of some unhealed hurt or trauma), eventually taking off the layers in order to expose what I would call 'Christ in us'.

Ahh we are complex and yet so simple. Beautifully and wonderfully made in the image of our Creator with everything we need in Him to really be free to live. We have this treasure in earthen vessels....