Memories

We do not live in a vacuum and the actions of others affect every part of our being. I feel it is a bit simplistic to say that only the husband had a disease that was making his wife sick in the story that Nair tells. As children we don't have alot to say about how we will react to abuse. Our ability to rise above it is limited because we are immature and haven't learned the skills necessary to protect ourselves. Can a child really say, "Mom, I need to go get some counsellng because you are treating me like crap and I can't take it anymore"? As adults we sometimes don't have that ability either. We can get locked into situations that slowly kill us, spirit, soul, and body. Sometimes you just kick into some habitual (learned in childhood) coping mechanism and survive the best you know how.

Good emotional health comes through a process of healing and everyone is wounded to some degree. Healing begins when a person realizes they have issues, is able to take responsibility for them, and begins to deal with them. A victim mentality will keep you stuck feeling sorry for yourself and blaming others for all your troubles. It is true that as children we are pretty much powerless to create our own reality but as we grow up that all changes. Growing up really has very little to do with age by the way. There are both 12 year old adults and 80 year old infants and every possibility in between. The aspects of you that remain wounded keep you stuck at the age the woundedness occurred.

Ok, so back to what is going on for me. I have been waking up for days now with disturbing abuse memories. Along with them I have alot of anxiety and outright fear. This is something new, the memories are not new, but the emotions attached to them are. I also had this wild dream in which someone was acting in a condemning way toward me and I just completely went off and told this person exactly how I was feeling. Phew! I can't even imagine doing that in the real world...but dreams are fun hey, my heart got to speak without my mind interfering. The interesting thing was that I wasn't just going off, I was being brutally honest in expressing how I was feeling to this person.

A scripture keeps coming up for me over and over:

Put off your former nature (the old unrenewed self) which characterized your previous manner of life....and be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind. And put on the new (regenerate) nature created in God's image....Reject all falsity and being done with it, let everyone express the truth...(Eph. 4:22- 25)

This verse characterizes very well the process of healing thru listening prayer or prayer counselling. Putting off the old self and putting on Christ through a process of uncovering the roots of our issues of today and healing through a process of renouncing lies and letting God implant His truth in their place, forgiving those who have hurt us, including forgiving ourselves, getting rid of wrong spirits (attitudes of the heart), renouncing inner vows and judgements, etc. I have often referred to it as God changing the course of our personal history. As we grow thru life we make up our mind about how things are. We develop ideas about ourselves, others, and God that are not always correct.

My favorite part of the journey has been the times that God has taken me back thru a memory and shown me where He was in it. I distinctly remember Him taking me by the hand as a two year old to my favorite place to play and making mud pies with me. After a journey of healing what had been a very painful memory for me He told me, the adult me who was just sort of looking on, to call the little me to myself. In my minds eye she bounded toward me with all the energy of a normal two year old. I took her into my arms and embraced her and as I did she went right into me and became part of me. Sounds so bizarre but this experience has had the most major life changing impact on me of all my counselling experiences and I am still in a process of discovering the freedom it has gained for me.

So, I sat down with the Lord yesterday and said...ok why are you bringing up these memories and fear for me. I think somewhere along the way I have mentioned here that He took me into my thryroid gland in my minds eye and showed me this dark spot that He identified as fear. As I was praying thru some things with the Lord He made it clear that although I have healed in many ways from the trauma and abuse of my past, my body is still carrying the fear, anxiety, and stress. Not only does my spirit and soul need to heal from the effects of the past but my body now is ready to. My friend,and partner in counseling,and I have long believed that healing begin in the spirit, flows thru the soul (mind, will, and emotions) and eventually the body follows. I have no idea why it is so surprising to me that I am at this point, but it really is.

My body is tired and I need good food, good rest, good thinking, good exercise, and to smile alot...lol...that shouldn't be too hard. I am already seeing this body heal. As I was cleaning windows the other day I suddenly saw my body healing itself. I also saw myself involved in this new business my husband is getting into. I haven't been able to work for years. Even washing windows is a big deal for me. The fact that I have this big passion to wash windows in itself is a bit weird...like what are you saying Lord...you are clearing up my vision?

One of the things He said at the end of yesterday's healing journey was, "Soak up Love for Love covers over a multitude of sins."

Thayer's definition of the word "cover"
-to hide, veil
-to hinder the knowledge of a thing