Well This Sucks!

I love the movie Madagascar. The best line by far comes from one of the Penguins after they arrive at their long sought after destination--the South Pole.  After many years in a zoo in New York City, three penguins stand forlornly on the ice in a blizzard after disembarking from the ocean liner they high-jacked to get them there. They are speechless.  Finally one says, "Well this sucks!"

Sometimes things don't turn out the way we hoped they would.

I'm not sure I had a clue what marriage would bring, but I am certain I had no idea it would bring perpetual heartache and seemingly constant, irresolvable (and often unexplainable) problems. The best metaphor I have found to explain my marriage is that it has been like being served a gourmet meal daily that is laced with cyanide. The food looks appealing, but it is slowly killing me and I have no idea that it is.

Things were never what they appeared to be! What really was, was hard to detect, although it could be felt in the gut no matter how much I was told my gut was wrong! My hopes and dreams were underhandedly thwarted.  My desires, obscurely denied. My goals, covertly defeated. What love I gave or needed, was subtly resisted or ignored. Life was a paradox of words of honey and actions of vinegar. Honey and vinegar make a lovely sauce for rice and chicken, but are a lousy combination in a relationship, especially when they appear simultaneously.

So I woke up one day and realized I was being screwed with and decided to spell it out in simple unoffensive terms. It was the day I met De Nile river.

"Ooooh nooooo, you have it all wrong," says honey and vinegar, "You are imagining things, and by the way

I steer the conversation back to straight talk and De Nile grows larger and more forceful and I find myself tempted to defend my reputation which is now in question and being degraded in another attempt to derail the conversation from straight talk.

I don't bite! (Very good, I win the silver medal.)

The honey and vinegar continue to flow with De Nile in impressive proportions and for some strange reason I suddenly find myself engaged in an argument about something totally unrelated. I'm facing a very skilled prosecution lawyer and without knowing how, I have already been tried and convicted without a jury. He is preaching his conclusions to the unseen jury that the defendant (me) is deceived, no doubt about it, and only a crazy person would not be able to see that.

Without thinking, since my mind is already twisted into a giant knot and I can't think anyway, I do the dreaded, I open my mouth and take the bait. The worm after all is so big and juicy and delicious looking by now how can I NOT sink my teeth into it. Any healthy fish trying to swim in DeNile River would have worked up a healthy appetite by now from working so hard.  I get angry, raging angry...at the injustice, at the stupidity, at the absurdity, at the ridiculousness, at the utter nonsensical, irritating, and irrational nature of the thing I've latched onto. 

Sigh!

In the end I can't remember what actually happened, why I lost my mind, why I feel like such a big shit, or why I have such absolute hatred for the calm smiling man standing in front of me. "Honey and vinegar" calmly walks away shaking his head muttering sarcastically "See, yoooooooooooou are the crazy one."