Equilibrium

I've made some changes to my blogs in order to have a few places to write and keep things more organized. On the side bar you will find links to my other blogs. This will be the one that is less technical or should I say less theological and more personal. As I recall I was writing more about the healing journey on this blog so I hope to add to that dimension of things. I have also created a separate blog for meditations which usually come out of my times of meditating on the word. The marriage blog is the special one to me cuz our marriage to Christ is depicted so well in the analogy of marriage. Marriage also provides a wonderful refinery for most people.

Healing is a progressive, life-long process. One could call it the process of sanctification. God's desire is that we be complete and whole, lacking nothing. Life offers us many trial of various kinds for a very good reason. Listen to what James says.

James 1:

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

Speaking of marriage the Lord has recently opened up a whole new avenue for healing in our marriage. Exposing the darkness of woundedness with His magnificent light and making it impossible for the enemy to lurk any longer. These have been incredible days of vindication for me. That actually sounds bad doesn't it, but what I mean is that the truth is finally coming out. I was falling under the weight of a situation that seemed interminable (whatever that means....have to go look it up for a sec)...Ahh good word, according to Merriam Webster's 1828 it means: "Boundless; endless; admitting no limit; as interminable space or duration; interminable sufferings." I like the interminable sufferings part as I was really beginning to feel like I was slipping off the edge of sanity with the frustration of the situation and lack of resolve.

There was a word that came a number of years ago (actually about 9 years ago)for me concerning my marriage that the Lord would "honor all my waiting for my husband". There were some pretty torturous months of crying out to the Lord for change, not only in myself but in my situation, so that it would be more bearable. And I might add many personal victories that mostly served to deepen my faith and trust in my Lord even thought at times there was no change in my marriage. A year ago dh and I were separated for three months and for the first time in years I felt such a huge burden lifted and renewed hope that things could change. We were both at work allowing the Lord to fire up the furnace and burn off more of the chaff in our life. Then a number of months ago He said to me "the time of waiting is over and the time of blessing has come". Amen, Thank you Lord!

Change most often comes with a cost, however. I began to not only recognize but acknowledge in myself some of the symptoms of being in an emotionally abusive situation (please don't misunderstand this cuz I hate labels and figure God is so much bigger...nor is my dh some deviant of society, he's just a normal wounded guy like most guys out there, in need of more healing, and I have fit the same category just I'm not a guy : )). I have had the privilege of watching the Lord work in his life to heal him, I have also gotten in on the explanation of the roots of his behavior. Those times of listening to the Lord speak into our situation have been likely as healing, if not more so, for me as they have been for my dh. I am finding it bittersweet in many ways though, because now that there is freedom to understand what has been going on for years, he not only needs to process the healing and walk in a new way, so do I. Takes two to tango as they say.

I realize there are barriers in our relationship that need to come down. Trust of course being paramount in that department, that will be, and is, a struggle that will not be easily or quickly resolved although we have come a long way in a year. There is also suddenly the freedom for me to heal from some emotionally traumatic events as opposed to just continuing to cope and survive.

Other side of this...I am amazed that my dh can be exposed by the Lord and be able at the end to humbly say, "I'm sorry. Can you forgive me for this crazy behavior?" I said, "Well, I am sure I can now that I understand it better." Really, later on I thought, "NO, I can't, but the Lord in me will accomplish that." And herein lies the beautiful key to our freedom, THE LORD! To be willing to come together before the Lord after complete hell has broken loose between you and say, "Ok Lord, explain to us what just happened," is in my books the next best thing to miraculous.

Ahh but the road still seems so long some days...so I was walking through some of the emotional junk (shrapnel I call it) recently as the Lord kept bringing to mind a memory of a past situation that was incredibly painful for me each time it came up and I asked the Lord what was at the root of that turmoil and deep pain in my soul and He said "it is the inequilibrium that is so difficult for you." Ya, there's that prophetic bent in my personality coming to haunt me. Injustice is next to intolerable for me at the best of times and I know I was born with that affliction...lol. I'm of course saying that tongue in cheek because the Lord hates injustice and the reason I feel it is because of His nature in me.

I looked up the word "inequilibrium" in my dictionary (not really a word IN our dictionaries but since the Lord is the author of words...)

Equilibrium (New Webster's Encyclopedic Dictionary):equality of weight or force by two weights or forces counterbalancing each other, as a state of the two ends of a balance when both are charged with equal weights and they maintain an even or level position, a state of just poise.

Well as usual He hit the nail on the head...I immediately recognized that as an excellent definition for a healthy marriage. What has disturbed my heart so deeply through all the years of this has been just that....the inequilibrium...the lack of counterbalance in my marriage and the lack of a state of "just poise". When two people counterbalance each other, their is a state of rest in the relationship. When two parents counterbalance one another there is a state of rest in the family. Such an overwhelming pain gripped me as I allowed all that pain to come forth and the impact of what I had been robbed of impaled my heart. And underlying all that pain was anger, not at any one so much as at a situation and the unfairness of it. Then the Lord said, "Now you take that righteous anger into your situation and use it to recover what has been lost. Use it to build up rather than to tear down." Then he proceeded to show me practically how that anger can work FOR me and our situation. Phew!

The Lord is my equilibrium.